Learning to Accept
by hayyleeredding
Summary: Can Olivia just greet Elliot with open arms after he shattered her leaving with no goodbye three years ago? Will Elliot be the only on fighting to save their long gone drowning friendship? Please leave reviews : ilyasm M for later chapters
1. Return

**- Olivia's POV -  
- Present day -  
**We were sharing breath. The smell of alcohol was thick in the air passing back and forth between us. It took all of my will power not to let my muscles relax and let him rest on me. My muscles ached and contracted every second. Twitching and burning against my black slacks.

"How does it feel Olivia" he asked his hot breath on my cheek "to know that Elliot can't save you? To know you'll never escape this eternal hell you'll live in? I want to known because you see" he said getting up

"The only way you're going to be saved is if you save yourself". I kept repeating in my head _"I am strong because I know my weaknesses"._

He picked up a knife and ran it along the bed footer leaving deep indentations. I would not give him the satisfactory of an answer. That's what he was seeking. Answers.

**- Olivia's POV -  
- One week prior -**

"Young boy blonde hair blue eyes" I shouted over the constant buzz of the spot lights in the room. On the walls written in blood was "pigs," "rise," and "death to pigs". Underneath was written "Helter Skelter".

"He's a Charles Manson copy cat" Nick said as a CSI unit cop snapped a picture. "Then there is more than one. He probably had a 'family'" I said recounting the Manson file.

I heard a shuffle in the corner and reach to put my hand on my gun. Nick followed suit as his eyes quickly followed mine to the corner. "Who's there" Nick yelled into the stale air.

"Who the hell is there" he yelled again raising his gun from his belt. I did the same. "Nobody. I'm nobody. I'm a tramp, a punk, a hobo" came an empty echo.

"Nick that's the same answer Charles Manson gave when he was asked to describe himself in a sentence" I said taking a step ahead of Nick to the corner. Thick chunks of my short hair stuck to my four head. I tried to brush them away with out losing concentration of the corner.

"Come out with your hands up" Nick yelled. People began to swarm around the corner. "Alright everybody back up" Nick yelled again.

I moved forward with my flash light tight in my sweaty palms. I saw a mass. Thin wiry spirals of hair jutted out around a young girls face. She was beaten. "Amaro fall back" I said over my shoulder.

I put my gun away and inched forward about two more steps before I dropped to a crouch to be eye level. "Hi I'm Detective Olivia Benson" I said softly watching her face as it looked like my words punched her "what's your name"?

"Nobody. I'm nobody. I'm a tramp, a punk, a hobo" she repeated. "Why don't you come with me" I said wrapping my arm around her to help her up out of the corner.

Nick looked at her mortified as we walked by him and I don't blame him. Her legs were cut up, her hair sticking out all ways, bruises covering her body, and blood on her side.

**- Olivia POV -  
- PrecinctInterrogationRoom-****  
**  
"I am going to ask you one last time. What is your name" I said to the now clean young girl across the table from me. She sat silent. "Well" I said egging her on. She opened her mouth slightly and left it open.

"It's" she began to choke out "Jemma Herman". I sat back pleased that she had finally given it up. "Why were you in that house and what happened there" I asked.

"I want a lawyer" she said crossing her arms. "Okay I'll wait till then" I said getting up to get a cup of water. I grabbed the door handle before turning around.

"Do you want a cup of water" I asked. "No I'm fine" she snapped back. Just as I opened the door Captain Cragen was standing in my way.

"Liv" he said looking at me with soft yet overwrought eyes "I need you to come to my office". Slowly we weaved our way through the precinct to his office. I walked in behind him and watched as his face was still taut.

"Captain what is it" I asked noticing how antsy my voice was. "Olivia shut the door" he said. I slowly shut the door and listened as the shades bounced on the door and shuttered until I turned around.

"Olivia we have a new detective" Captain said still looking intent. "That's great Cap who is it" I said still a bit on edge about why he was so nervous. "Elliot's back" he said. I could tell a look of appall overwhelmed my face. "Olivia he doesn't have to be your partner again" Captain said respectively.

"No no just let me talk to him" said leaning against the wall. "He's at the locker putting all his stuff back in. I'm pretty sure you find them there" Cragen said as I walked out of his office. I rounded the corner to the lockers and then I saw I'm just standing there with the shut locker.

"We need to talk" I say watching as he stood up. He walked. "Sit down. It's just a talk" I said hoping he'd just let us talk. He smiled politely back at me.

I stare politely right on through knowing he was faking that smile.  
I let my mind stay between the lines of fear and blame knowing it would hurt if I let him back in. I began to wonder why I came. He turned to look at me.

"Olivia I-I didn't mean to hurt you" he said as he started to walk toward me. I was going to try to let him know that I know best. I was trying to slip past his defense without granting innocence.

"You didn't even say goodbye. You leaving is not what hurt me. What is the fact you didn't even say goodbye. Elliot how could you" I asked my voice wavering. "Liv I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't want you to try and talk me into staying because I couldn't I had to go" he had taking my hand. He had no idea how many times I've imagined what this would be like what him coming back would be like. I tried my hardest to pull away but we were like magnets.

Opposites really do attract. I stared into his piercing blue eyes wishing he would stop looking at me the way he was. He pulled away and walked towards the door. I Stood there rooted to the ground by shock. How could he just come back and tell me that he was just sorry that was our entire conversation, four words. He was sorry. I ran out of the precinct following him. Warm sun rays hit my face.

"Elliot Stabler get your ass back here" I yelled "you know damn well you're not going to do that to me. That cannot happen. You can't just come back in my life and say that you're sorry and hope that I'll just accept it when I won't when you do it that way. When you just walk away" I was yelling over New York traffic.

"Liv I'm sorry but I needed a break and I know you haven't accepted that yet but please I'm back. Can we just be partners" he asked with pleading eyes. I let out a sigh trying to regain my composer and think. "Yes Elliot of course. We're partners. Always have been always will be" I said willing to give it a try.


	2. The Burning

**- Olivia's POV - **  
**- Present day -**

I walked back into the precinct wiping stray tears, that I hadn't noticed had fallen, off of my cheek with the back of my hand. I ignored the concerned glares from Munch and Fin as I walked to Cragens office. I gathered myself then opened his door.

"Cap I just wanted to let you know I'm heading off to my refresher homicide class" I said running my hands down my thighs. I couldn't believe I just lied to my captain's face.

"I thought that was tomorrow Benson" he retorted picking out my lie like he already knew that it was coming "if you need some time to be by yourself I can give you that without lying to me" you said giving me a soppy look.

"I just need to be by myself for a little bit I'll be back" I said assuring him. "Olivia please take all the time you need. I'll have Munch and Fin cover for you" he said meaningfully.

I walked outside let a cool breeze of fall hit my face. There was a familiar burn in the back of my eyes begging to be felt and let out in the same burn started to consume my chest. I tried to close my eyes to subdue it but everything I did wasn't helping.

As I close my eyes I recounted all three years that I spent in my bed sobbing into my pillow wondering how I could love one man so much and let him hurt me so bad. All the bottles of tequila I tried to drown my sorrows in.

Hoping that one day if I drank enough that at the bottom of the bottle I might be able to find the happiness that he once brought me. I never did but I continued to wear my heart on my sleeve looking at my phone every once in a while wondering if he'd send me the reason he left, if he'd send me a sorry, if he'd even try to contact me at all.

It was a wound that never really healed just kind of smoothed over with a scab. Then he waltzed back into my life ripping the scab off and reminding me that a man had left me that I'd never felt good enough for. The closest I've ever gotten to a man. The look in his eyes he gave me when I saw him alone was now vacant and filled with remorse and sorrow.

He was a hollow shell of the Elliot that I had remembered when he left. I never could compute why he hadn't stayed with me. He knew he was all I needed. The daily dose of Elliot that I took to get through my day was the only thing pushing me on. Now I just walked like a zombie through life wishing that one day I would feel the same happiness I had three years ago.

But him coming back wasn't a revelation I had wished for. It wasn't some big a- ha moment where I realized that I didn't need him anymore. All those years he had been gone and then him coming back just makes me want him more. It made my lips urge with a burn that they had a few years ago.

The spark reigniting deep down in the pit of my stomach a spark of urge, lust, and greed. A spark that made me in one second want to clock him upside the head but in another I wanted to wrap him in my arms never let him go. I never wanted him to leave. I just wanted him to hold my hand.

I regained my composure as I walk down the New York sidewalk. People look at me concerning as I wiped the tears stinging my face with the back of my hands once more. I had to stop being so childish. I cannot let this affect my work I told myself hoping that I'd believe it even though I knew I wouldn't.

I felt the familiar thud of my necklace against my chest. I reached up and ran my phone across it hoping it would remind me of back when I first came to the precinct. When everything was grand I hadn't gotten hurt yet and I didn't know what it was like to jump into the plundering waves of being a detective and feel the pain that you would feel.

I finally looked up from where I have been walking with my eyes glued down to the ground so people wouldn't see my face. I couldn't believe I was ashamed of missing Elliot. I was at my apartment building.

I sat down on my stoop hugging my knees to my chest tight. Maybe I could suffocate the pain away. Maybe I can just let it all out in some violent burst so that I wouldn't feel it anymore. Maybe I could throw some things or smash something trying to make myself feel better.

But I wasn't some teenager with angst that could write a song or burn a book or smash things to make herself feel better. I wasn't writing a letter to him or telling my daddy or showing up with a boom box playing some corny song through his window throwing rocks at them trying to get his attention.

I was a forty year old woman who could fake that she was feeling fine, throw on a smile and some lipstick and act like nothing was bothering her. I felt my phone vibrate against my abdomen and I reached into my jacket pocket to grab it.

It was a message from Elliot I only open the message app so I could read the beginning of what his text said. It read "Olivia I've been looking for you. Could we go out and" and that's all the preview read. I slipped the message sideways as my thumb hovered over the delete button. I pressed it watching the message swipe away.

I was in no mood to go out and discuss the past three years with him. The angst, the terror, the fear, the want, the need to see Elliot space one last time and have him tell me goodbye. Empty bottles sprawled across my kitchen floor.

But most of all I didn't want to face him yet. My phone buzzed again causing my torso to shake and ache from the subtle crying. It was Casey. It read "you're going to get a summoning soon for the Danski case".

Great. The last thing I was worried about was a case. I took a deep breath and felt my rib cage expand and depress with my breathing. I rubbed my thumb against the familiar groves in my necklace again feeling the calm it washed over me.

I stretched out my legs standing up and letting a groan escape my throat before sluggishly making my way back up to my apartment. When I got in I threw my keys on the coffee table and propped my knee up on the couch before flopping down on it on my stomach.

I let my hand fall and run against the cold hardwood floor. I put my hand on my forehead feeling the beads of sweat wipe away with my cold fingers. I slowly felt myself fall asleep then all at once I was consumed with the darkness when I close my eyes and let sleep void my life for a while.

**- Elliot's POV -**  
**- Present day -**

I looked at the message again just to be sure she hadn't read and ignored it. It was un-read. The message sat there on the screen. Lonely.

I let my head flop back as I sat back in my chair and felt it roll back. I wanted to talk to her so bad. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and why I left. I wanted to tell her that Kathy and I where no longer together.

But that would make all the time that she had vouched for me and talked to Kathy in vain. I held my breath and stared at the letters below Olivia's text message. Still not read.

Taking a deep breath I typed in my phone "I miss you" my thumb looming over the send button. I moved it up and erased what I had just typed hoping one day I could man up and tell her. Thoughts of her flooded my mind every day and I couldn't swim in them but that was okay.

I stared at my phone as the message I sent her overwhelmed my life like a typhoon. I knew missing her and wishing she would take me back with open arms was an invalid thought but I thought about it every day. I really would have no right to be mad at her even if I was.

It was my pride that made me run and hide. I was so afraid of her and losing her that I would drop her out of my life just so I can leave my wife and come back and destroy her's. I had wished what I was feeling inside was a lie.

But escaping the fact that I left Olivia and she would never take me back was like trying to escape death itself. It was impossible. I held my palms out studying the crevices for a moment. I could still feel the sense of guilt that Olivia's hand left on mine.

Having her take me back as a partner was probably the best thing that could've happened in my life. I had always thought that Olivia had blamed herself for what I did to her. For what I did to her.

"El we got a call" I heard Fin yell. Olivia really did leave. She couldn't handle me coming back. I slammed my phone down on my desk and followed Fin out in a rush.

"What'd we got" I asked as we left. "It's just a routine check in with Mrs. Keller, she always cries wolf and we take her in for a rape kit because Liv always wants to and she goes back home" Fin said pausing only for a moment when he said Liv.

We arrived at Mrs. Keller's house and it went exactly as Fin said only Olivia wasn't there. It felt empty. I didn't have my partner by my side, matching my stride, and making me do things I normally wouldn't.

We got back to the precinct and Captain walked out. "El my office" he said sliding his hands in his pockets "now". I solemnly walked into his office shutting the door. "Elliot Olivia called and she agreed to be your partner again" he said. I let a breath of relief escape me. "But Elliot if you hurt Olivia again I will be forced to split you up, I may even have to assign a new precinct due to the attention one-p-p has given it. El I need you to not screw this up" Cragen said intently. "I-I won't" I said thinking about how Olivia would have taken me leaving.

"Cap I just want to know how did she take it" I asked looking at him. He thought for a moment. "She was distraught. She tried to hide it but it tore her world apart. She called me on multiple occasions about her recently formed drinking problem. Her boyfriend left her. She took off months of work added together" he said.

"Her whole family watched her fall apart and they could do nothing to help her Elliot, she was crushed" he said slowly. I felt my whole body contract from guilt. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die somewhere because of his words. They slid in like a knife. Extracting every one of my emotions and stomping on them.

"Captain I think I'm going to stay for late-night paperwork" I said. It wasn't for paperwork I just didn't want to go back to the hotel that I was staying at it felt too lonely. It seems that all my life was lately. Loneliness. "Okay well I'm heading out El. Try and get some sleep even if it's in the bunk room" Captain said before walking out.

I followed him out of his office. "I'm clocking out" Fin yelled grabbing his jacket and heading down the elevator. Again I was alone. This was not a shocker to me. I felt like this was a punishment from God. For me to just be alone for the rest of my days because when I left I felt like that was the option I gave Olivia.

I heard the now un-familiar swoosh of the elevators doors. Olivia rounded the corner and walked over to her desk only looking at me once. I opened my mouth to say something but she was going to cut me off. "You know I was willing to stand up to anyone who said you were going to leave sooner or later because you and said forever. I was ready to stand up and fight them and although they knew better you still said forever" she said slicing me in half.

"Olivia I'm sorry you just need to know that the reason I left is because of you and not your fault at all if you were ever blaming yourself for that" I said hoping she was listening. "I did Elliot Jesus I did all the time I always thought it was something I did something I said that made you want to leave I thought it was the fact that I became unbearable that you didn't want to be around me anymore" she retorted proving she was.

"It wasn't you. It was just a tough time between me and my family. Me and Kathy split up the kids had a hard time with the divorce but they later on that there would be no more yelling and I moved out of the house. I had to go. I'm staying in a hotel right now. I just needed a break I needed to figure things out with my family and get my priority straight before I came back here. I wasn't dragging you down with me" I said explaining the last three years and the reason I ruined Olivia's life.

"Why didn't you just tell me Elliot? Don't you think I would've understood? Don't you think I would have helped you" she stated more than asked as she stood up. "That's just it. I didn't want your help I didn't want to be back with Kathy. I wanted more than anything just to be back here and have none of this ever happened" I said trying not to sound rude.

I watched as she held her breath and counted to ten before answering again. "Look Elliot I put all my cards on the table I'm putting this behind me. Were never to have the same friendship. Just except it" she said harshly. Cragen was right. I shattered her world and I created somebody that could never ever forgive me again.

That was when it hit me like a cannonball to the chest. Olivia was right we would never be the same people again. We would have to start all over being more accepting and loving this time. But not taking it too far. "Look I just came by to grab files. I didn't know you were going to be here. I didn't want this to happen this way. Goodbye Elliot" she said with a twinge of guilt and shame in her sentences.

"Olivia one last thing" I yelled after her "I can't live without you now I can't even live with myself" I said low. She just turned around and continued walking. I could've swore I heard her weep a little a little but maybe it was just my imagination. I walked over to bunk room to lay down and let sleep take me in for a little while. Healing something that could never be healed.


	3. Loss

**- Olivia's POV -**  
**- Present day -**

The ecstasy of just seeing him and hearing his voice was enough to put me over the edge. "Damnit" exclaimed as I felt my razor nick my skin. I stood there for a moment before opening my shower curtain and feeling the cold clasp on to my wet body.

I sat on the toilet, draping my towel over my shoulders, and patted my leg dry before gingerly putting a bandaid on. I stood up flicking my short hair and lightly padded my way to my room. The hardwood floor chilling my wet bare feet.

I re-wrapped my damp body in my room before pulling some cloths out of my closet. I assessed them before putting them on and briefly looking in the mirror. My hair framed my face. I touched my face. It didn't feel like mine. My Cupid's bow looked higher and my lips looked thinner. The once bright hallows of my cheeks were now deeply indented and darkening. My face was paler than it had been.

I could feel my hands start to shake before I walked away from the mirror. As I walked I noticed my hands were still rested on my face assessing it with my fingertips. I let my arms fall to my side and walked to my kitchen.

I opened my fridge but felt my stomach muscles tighten up. I decided to skip breakfast and poured myself a cup of coffee instead. I lifted the cup to my lips and felt the warmth pour down my throat and rest in my stomach.

The cup warmed my hands as I gripped on to it. I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay rooted to my kitchen floor and just stand there all day. Not facing Elliot sounded amazing to me.

I grudgingly walked down my flights of steps before heading off the work. When I arrived the precinct was in a rush. I walked into the locker room to pull out my gun and my badge so I was ready.

"Listen Olivia we need to talk" a familiar voice cooed behind me. "Elliot please don't do this" I said trying to stop him from embarrassing himself. "No Liv let me just tell you" he said calling me Liv for the first time "I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things like the memories I never can escape. It's like we never happened. If what we had was real, how could you be fine" he asked.

"You think I'm fine Elliot" I asked astonished "The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone. I'll admit I like to see them and I feel alone. And you left every dream as cops we ever had behind. And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around? I'm a hermit now. I live under a rock. It hurts to know you're happy. It hurts that you've moved on. It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long. And your here now and I don't know if I'm okay. But Elliot you were my cup of tea. I drink coffee now" I said taking a deep breath.

"Liv we both feels the same way! Why the hell are we fighting" he began to yell. "Because I miss you Elliot. You hurt me" I said feeling the words stinging my throat. "Olivia I didn't want to" he said wrapping his arms around me.

All at once I felt safe and secure. Like nothing in the world could stop us. I could feel my body quake in his grip. Hot tears rolling down my face. "I just want you back Elliot" I said with a trembling voice into his shoulder. "Liv it's okay I'm right here and I won't leave you again" he calmingly whispered into my ear. His hands were lightly caressing the small of my back and my torso was pushed to his. Feeling the rise and fall of his chest underneath my taunt hands.

We stood there for a minute until the realization hit us that we both still loved each other. I tried to walk away but instead stayed planted and rubbed his chest with my hand as my crying stopped. I could feel his lips relaxed against my forehead. I lifted my head and looked up at him.

The worry marks that crowed his forehead melted away. His eyes returned to their deep blue with the unforgettable love that called me in to begin with. "I miss you Elliot, I miss you" I just said over and over again. "It's okay Olivia I'm here now" he would say over me.

"Elliot, Liv captains looking for you" I heard Munch say from the door way. Elliot let go of me and I smoothed out my shirt as we walked to his office. "Hey Cap what is it" Elliot said. "Your going undercover. There have been reports of baby smuggling and abuse at a local adoption center and I need you to see if they will let you buy one so we can shut them down" he said. "So what will be out characters" I asked dragging out the so.

"You'll be a married couple" he said. I could see, out of the corner of my eye, Elliot's smirk. "You been assigned a name and ID cards" he said picking up two card and handing them to us. Mine read 'Natalie Blake' and Elliot's read 'Joshua Blake'. "You've been assigned a company car for stake-outs, if needed, but you will have a separate car for pick up" he said handing us two sets of keys.

"Okay when do we start" Elliot asked. "Right now" Captain astonishingly said scooting us out.

- Elliot's POV -  
- Present Day -

We walked into the squat building hand in hand. "How do we make contact" I asked Olivia watching her push hair out of her face with her free hand. "Let me handle it" she said eyeing the male receptionist and adjusting her shirt so her chest stuck out more.

"Hi I'm Natalie Blake. My husband and I are looking to adopt" she said leaning over the counter. I hated when she put herself on display like that. "Well Hi Mrs. Blake we can surely help you out but certainly your husband should want a woman of your type" he said staring at her. "Oh it's not Josh's fault. It's mine. We just want the perfect little angel" she said as the receptions rang the doctor.

The doctor came in and called us into and office for consultation. "So Mr. And Mrs. Blake what kind of child are you looking for" the doctor said sitting down and folding his hands. "I'm just going to be blunt. We don't have a lot of money and we cannot afford to adopt a child. A friend told us about a program you did where you brought in illegal children and gave them to family's with new documents. Can you do that for us" I asked feeling my hands ball up in fists remembering how the receptions treated Olivia. "Mr. Blake this is a very serious thing. It will take days and you cannot be in contact with anyone until we meet again" the doctor said.

"We understand" Olivia said putting her hand on my thigh "but were ready". "Okay I'll have my receptionist call you on Tuesday with the meeting place" he said before showing us out.

"Hey Liv I think we should get a hotel if it's going to be a few days. No sense in living in a car" I said once we were out of the building. "We passed a Days Inn on our way over right" she said. It's the first thing me and Olivia agreed on since I came back. "Yeah that'll be our best bet" I said as we walked to our car.

We got in and drove back till we saw it and went in, buying a room, under our assigned names. We could never be too careful. We got in the elevator and there was an non- awkward silence between us. I watched as she played with the hem of her shirt. "El are you okay" she asked. "Yeah I'm okay" I said feeling the tension build with the floors.

We walked into the room and Liv dropped her bags. "Elliot Stabler. A room with one bed" she spat out between her gritted teeth. "Liv I didn't know" I said avoiding getting hit by an angry Olivia. I watched as she lightly walked over to the bed and laid down. "You'll sleep on the floor" she said happily smiling. "Um okay" I said taking a pillow off the bed and resting it at the foot of the bed on the floor.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I answered. "Daddy I'm so sorry" Maureen sobbed into the phone. "What are you talking about Maureen" I asked feeling my heart rate quicken. I saw Liv sit up on the bed. "Dad Grandmaw had a heart attack. She didn't make it" she said. I dropped the phone. Olivia stood up. "El what is it" she said picking up my phone. "Hello is this Maureen" she asked.

I heard Maureen explain muffled against Olivia's ear. Olivia's face softened and she hung up. "Liv I'm so-" I began to say before she shut me up with a hug. I felt everything slow down. "She-she's gone" I sobbed into Olivia's shoulder. She gently slid her hand up and down my back. "You know what I do when I'm upset" she quizzed "I take a nice long shower". I let go and ran my fingers through my little hair I had.

"Yeah that's a uh good idea" I said slowly. She shook her head with her arms resting on my neck and around my shoulder. She let go and walked into the bathroom and I heard the shower start. "It's good" she said walking back out and sitting on the bed. I just stood there for a second motionless.

Olivia stood back up and ran her thumb across the edge of my shirt before un-buttoning it and taking it off and I didn't fight her. She grabbed the buckle on my belt and undid it, pulling it out of the loops. She thumbed with the button trying to get it undone till she finally did and then unzipped my pants, letting them pool around my ankles. "El that's as far as I can go" she said eyeing my boxers and standing straight up.

"I know Liv. It's okay. Thank you" I said walking to the bathroom. I let the hot steam wash away all of today and yesterday. Standing there for what felt like hours before I finally got out. I opened the door and the room was only lit by a single lamp. Olivia was fast asleep in the bed. She looked like she was swimming in the shirt she was wearing it was so big.

I slid on some boxers and began to pull a blanket of the edge of the bed when I heard "El no just sleep in the bed". "You sure Liv" I asked sliding the blanket back on the bed and picking up the pillow. "Yes I'm sure" she said. I slid in next to her and felt her body heat under the blanket. She rolled over and let her hair spill on her face. She scooted in closer to me and pressed her body to mine. Her arms wrapped around me and her head on my chest she fell back to sleep as I did the same.

"Hey El" I heard her whisper. "Yeah Liv" I said feeling my body tighten. "I think I'll start drinking tea again" she said. I could feel her smile against my stomach as she ran her hand up and down it. I ran my hand through her hair and she lifted her head and looked at me.

Slowly, with out a word, she lifted her head to me and faintly pushed her lips on my cheek. I traveled up her body and roamed every crevice of her body. I felt her tense up as I reached her mid-rib cage.

I stopped and let my hand rest there as I let the hand that was in her hair run down her back and stopped right above her pelvis. She scooted closer to me and I felt her hip bone press into my thigh. Her lips not leaving my cheek.

She ran her hand back up my chest and rested her flat palm on it. She put pressure on it as she sat up. She leaned over me and kissed my collar bone. She laid back down and eased her head up under my chin. I ran my fingers between the crease of her spine feeling her back muscles.

"Go to bed El, it'll be okay, I'm right here and I won't leave" she said assuringly before drifting to sleep.


	4. Always Has Been, Always Will Be

**- Olivia's POV -  
- Present day -**

I woke up my body still on his. Our bodies were stuck together with sweat. I felt his hands still resting on my back just above my butt. His fingers were pressed into me and his cheeks were damp with tears. He cried himself to sleep.

"El, El we should probably go" I said pushing up off the bed and sitting up. He groggily sat up and hugged me. "Thank you Olivia" he said quietly into my neck. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his shoulders relax.

"Liv really I don't know what I'd do if you weren't with me" he said not letting me go. "El I'm sorry but we really need to go. I need to take a shower" I said pulling away and looking at him. I'd never seen him so distraught. "Okay Liv" he said flopping back on his pillow.

I walked over to the tiny shower and turned on the water. I watched the steam rise and curl around my legs. Slithering up my body as it filled the room and left a hot dew on my skin. I stepped into the small glass cube of fog and slid under the hot water.

I heard the door open and felt the cold rush into the room. "El is that you" I asked under the pounding water. "Yeah Liv I just need to brush my teeth" he said sighing.

"I used to believe in destiny you know" I started randomly "I'd go to the bagel place and see a guy reading my favorite novel while whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week and I think wow hey maybe he's the one. Now I think I just know that bitch is going to take that last whole-wheat everything bagel" I said laughing. "You've just been focused on work" Elliot said taking the tooth brush out if his mouth for a second.

"No it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not some depressed I'm going to cry in the middle of the day for no reason kind of way. Not even a middle of the night thing. It's just really I think I believe a little less and little less and a little less and a little less every day. And that sucks. What do I do about that Stabler" I asked seeing if he could tell me. "Your Olivia Benson you start believing again" he said fully confidant.

"In what destiny" I retorted with a smile even though he couldn't see me. He half laughed half sighed. "Chemistry if you have chemistry only need one other thing" he said. "What's that" I asked knowing he was being serious. "Timing, but timing's a bitch" Elliot said laughing. "You got that right" I said squeezing the shampoo water from my hair and getting conditioner.

"Hey Liv, did you ever wonder what you could have done to help your mom" El asked. "No El I don't because there was no helping my mom. My mom was a long gone alcoholic who, although she loved me, would never stop drinking" I said harshly "and El there was no saving your mom. It was natural. She passed and you couldn't have saved her if you tried".

I heard the bathroom door close. I opened the shower and stepped out reaching for a towel so I could go comfort my partner after I just said the meanest words I could have possibly said to him right now. We needed to forget about this for a moment and work on the case.

I walked out. "I used to be scared of going up the steps but once I got up the steps I was afraid to go back down. Now that I'm an adult I realize it wasn't the steps that I was afraid of and it wasn't the dark. It was the future I was afraid of. What was I going to get once I reached those two places? What if I didn't like it? What if it was unexpected? What if I couldn't control it" Elliot quizzed.

"El have you ever heard an emotional pit. I put my mom in one once because she said she loved me all the time but I never believed her because of all her drinking but really the only person that pit is you. El throw yourself a ladder" I said hugging him.

He pulled back and looked at me soulfully with his deep blue eyes. "Well as much as I loved our chat we better go. We have to do our job" he said walking to the door. I shut him down. Every chance we ever had just flew out the window yet again. I felt my stomach tighten up and the familiar sting was poking at the back of my eyes.

Why the hell was I crying over Elliot Stabler? He's still my partner. Nothing will change that currently. I could just take the motions of today and talk to him later.

-

We'd been sitting in the car for hours now and normally I'd be okay with it but normally El and I were on good terms. The air passing between us was stale, lifeless, and without words. But I know nothing worth having comes easy so I have to try.

"El I'm sorry about this morning" I said putting my hand on his knee. I felt him flinch under my touch. He just reached for his coffee and sipped it ignoring me.

I turned to look out the window at the red autumn leaves. I felt him rest his hand on my shoulder. "Liv I can't do it anymore" he said. I sat mortified. He was going to leave again. "Liv I love you and I needed to tell you that" he said as I turned around.

That's when I felt it. The hot feeling of his lips on mine. He felt like fire and tasted like vanilla. Then I realized, your first love isn't the person who you first dated or who you first kissed or who you were in your first serious relationship with or even here you first said I love you to.

Your first love is the person you always compare everyone to, the person you will never truly get over, the person you'll always remember when you talk about love, the person who made you look at love a different way. And maybe in a good way and maybe not, and if not, your first love is the person who damaged you, destroyed love for you.

So welcoming back that first love after that kiss was a hell of a lot easier than I had expected. The best feeling in the world was kissing someone for the first time when you've wanted to kiss them for a really long time. Not a childish peck on the cheek or playing with the collarbones. This was real.

His hands cupped my face. I held onto the back of his neck hoping I would never have to let go. I opened my mouth slightly letting his tongue explore mine. He lightly bit my bottom lip. We both pulled back with our foreheads pressed together. "Dammit Elliot Stabler I love you" I said laughing.

"I love you too Olivia Stabler" he said laughing. I'll once I realized this is real. He was my ultimate and inevitable forever. He was the person who would match my stride, solve my crimes, and never not once let my hand go.

"Olivia Stabler" I asked playing with my hand in his. "I think it has a beautiful ring to it" you said pulling his hands up to our face and kissing my knuckles. "Yeah El, it sure does" I said leaning in to kiss him again. Every time he just me it felt like that first time again. The fire, the vanilla, everything.

I put my hand on his face. I could feel the vain in his temple pulse. He pulled away. "Listen the reason I was so snappy this morning is because Maureen called me back. My mom's funerals in two days. Liv, I need you there with me, I need you to always be there with me" he said staring intently into my eyes.

"Elliot I will stand by you and help you through everything that you go through. And that's a promise I will always keep" I said smiling. "Well it's been ten hours what do you say we hadn't get some food and then go back to the hotel, have a big day ahead of us tomorrow" Elliot said starting the car.

Pulled around the car lurched to a stop. I truck pulled around to the side. Everything was slow. The impact of the glass shattering and puncturing my skin, the feeling of the airbag on my face, the heat that covered me and wave. I was numb.

The first though that came to mind was to tell Elliot 'if I had known that that was going to be the last time we kissed, I would have kissed you harder and made sure to stain my lips with the taste of yours so I couldn't forget you'.

I heard a door slam. Had Elliot gotten out of the car? No he couldn't. That's where the truck hit. It was the trucker. Slowly I regained myself enough to open my door and look over at him. His door did not exist. Neither did he. I walked around the front of the car steadying myself with my hand on the hood.

**- Elliot's POV -  
- Present day -**

I was laying on the ground. Agonizing pain waved over my body every second, every breath, every excruciating moment. Spasms of shaking blanketed my body.

Then I heard her. Olivia's voice poured out in a shrill scream of my name. It pierced the air, and for second, just knowing that she was there and safe relieved my pain. "Officer down, my partners been hit, I need a bus on East Seventeenth Street. He's losing a lot of blood" she said and your radio as she ran over to me.

I heard her knees hit the pavement next to me. "Please hurry" she whispered to herself. She hovered over me grabbing my hand. "Goddamnit Elliot Stabler you don't get to leave me" she said in a panic. "Liv I-I could never" I said stopping to take a break so I could breathe "never leave you" I finished squeezing her hand.

But I felt my eyes weighing down. I felt myself slipping.

"No no no Elliot don't do this" she said ripping off her jacket. I felt her press it to my side to slow the bleeding. "Liv don't ruin your jacket" I said staggered. "Elliot you've got to be kidding me" she said sobbing. "It can't and like this" she yelled. She breathlessly cried. "Oli-" I tried to choke out.

"Elliot stop talking please" she said trying to think of what to do next. How to save my life. I painfully picked up my hand touching my middle and ring finger to the end of my palm making the 'I love you' sign.

She looked up and I let my hand fall. "I love you too" she said as tears fell off her face and landed on mine. I caved in and let my eyes shut as I heard the ambulances approach. "Elliot? Elliot no" I heard Liv yell. Her hand stayed tightly gripped to mine as the EMTs came.

**- Olivia's POV -  
- The hit -  
**  
Elliot laid limp and helpless in the middle of the road. "Elliot" I screamed as I began to run at my fallen partner. "Officer down, my partners been hit, I need a bus on East Seventeenth Street. He's losing a lot of blood" I yelled into my radio as I ran what felt like a mile but really only looked like ten feet.

Once I reached him I dropped to my knees, hitting them on the pavement, which brought up the staying of the wintery fall we were having. The air was dry and seem to choke me as the wind tore like rapids in every direction around us. "Please hurry" I whispered to myself hoping that the EMTs could somehow hear me, as if the wind could carry my voice to them.

I didn't want to touch him because I knew it would hurt but I had to hold his hand. He winced at my touch but held onto me. "Goddamnit Elliot Stabler you don't get to leave me" I said over sobs pushing him to keep his eyes open a little longer.

"Liv I–I could never" said in a hoarse voice, pausing briefly for breath, then continued "never leave you". He squeezed my hand and his eyes struggled to flutter open.

Blood slowly trickled from his mouth. Then his eyes shut again. My heartbeat raised a million times faster and tears began to stream down my face soaking Elliot shirt. I knew I was a mess but I clearly couldn't care less right now. I had to do something while the ambulances came.

"No no no Elliot don't do this" I said ripping off my jacket. I pressed it to his side to slow the bleeding. "Liv don't ruin your jacket" he said staggered.

"Elliot you got to be kidding me" I said sobbing and laughing. "It can't and like this" I yelled into the vacant air. I breathlessly cried. "Oli-" he tried to choke out which only made blood stream out of his mouth more.

"Elliot stop talking please" I said in a panic. Trying to think. I looked up and his hand was raised making the 'I love you' sign. "I love you too Elliot" I said crying as I leaned in to kiss his four head. It can't and like this. Not without one last kiss.

I heard the sirens and looked up. I looked back down and Elliot's eyes were shut again. "Elliot? Elliot no" I said gripping his hand harder. The EMTs came over. "I'm riding in the ambulance with him" I said persistently.

No one seemed to protest and loaded him in.

**- Elliot's POV -  
- The ambulance -  
**  
I couldn't answer her. As hard as I tried I couldn't. I felt and heard her. Only I saw nothing. There was no 'flash of my life before my eyes' four out of body experience. Only darkness and echoes of every vivid sound.

Mainly I heard Olivia so I focused on her. I heard faint beeps and shouts of orders and updates. I vision got spotty like I shut my eyes and looked at the sun couldn't open them again. But I tried hard enough to slightly open them.

"He opened his eyes" Olivia shouted as I open them. I felt fingers firmly on my wrist. "His pulses stronger" yelled an EMT. "We're only two minutes out" updated the driver.

"Detective what's his blood type" an EMT asked Olivia. "B negative" she shouted. "Tell them to have B negative ready on site" the EMT yelled to the dispatch. "Hang on their El" Olivia said to me. I was pushing. The darkness was so empty and vast, and going back there would mean not being with Olivia.

We rounded a turn in the familiar glow of the red emergency lights peeked through the window. They gently, but swiftly, unloaded me from the ambulance and wheeled me in. Olivia's hand hadn't left mine yet.

**- Olivia's POV -  
- present day -  
**  
"I'm sorry detective" a doctor said. "Please call me Olivia" I corrected her. "Olivia, we have to take him into emergency surgery. You should go sit in the waiting room" the doctor said as they took him back.

Those simple words shattered my whole life. "O-okay" I managed to choke out as I finally let go of his hand. Mine was now cold, clammy, and empty.

I stood in the hall to collect myself. I must have been standing there for a while because a janitor asked me if I knew where the waiting room was or if I needed directions. "Um no thank you" I said turning to find an empty seat.

I pulled out my cell phone. Thirty six missed call. Dammit. I called back Craigen first. "Olivia" he said when he answered with a relieved but tense voice.

My end stayed silent. "Olivia what hospital are you at" he asked. "I um" I paused "were at mercy" I said taking deep breaths to hold in my tears. "We'll be there in a second" Craigen said dropping the line.

-

The waiting room filled with the SVU members and we sat in silence. Alex had walked in without saying anything and gripped my hand while stealing the seat next to me.

"Olivia" the doctor said walking out. I stood up and walked toward her, the fear building with every step that I took. "Yes" I said meekly.

"Your partner will be fine. He's lucky you were with him that you knew his blood type. You have blocked his wound and told us what blood type to have on-site he would've bled out" he said with a smile.

An ocean of relief dumped on me. "Can we see him" Craigen asked eagerly. "You still in the ICU but one of you can stay the night in his room in case he wakes up" he said solemnly.

All eyes automatically fell on me. "Craigen really you can-" I started but Craigen was already cutting me off. "Olivia he's your partner, he needs you, go. After all I'd like to wake up to see the face of the woman who saved my life" he said smiling.

"Okay" I said turning to the doctor with a bright face. "Follow me" he said opening the door.

The air felt sterile against my goose bumps.

We rounded several turns until we finally got to his room. He walked in but I stayed cemented to the floor outside the door, looking as the shell of Elliot. "You can come in" the doctor coached.

"I-I know" I said taking a small step in the room.

**- Elliot's POV -  
- present day -**

I heard her. Distant but there. She was talking to another man. "I'll let you be" the unfamiliar man said. Footsteps. Then silence except for the sound of the rain hitting the window.

"Hey El, I know you can't talk but I'm here for you. Just like I said I would be. Just like I promised" she said. She touched my hand. I tried to let out a moan. "El can you hear me" she asked.

**- Olivia's POV -  
- present day -**

I knew he could hear me. I sat down. I wished he could talk. I wished I could hear his voice in reply even if it was something annoyingly sarcastic or if it was...

I couldn't think that way. That's when I realized Elliot is the reason I breathe, laugh, never quit, cry, and try. He is just the reason. Always has been, always will be. 


	5. Crash and burn

**- Olivia's POV -**

**- present day -**

I woke up and looked at Elliot. He laid silent and motionless. All that moved was the subtle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed unconscious. I was still holding his hand.

I felt his finger twitch against mine. He moved. His doctor was standing on the other side of bed updating his charts and adding some liquid to his drip bag. "He is expected to wake up today" he said smiling.

I watched as his hand began to move back-and-forth on mine like a windshield wiper. Quickly his eyes fluttered open. "I guess I probably ruined our case" he said sympathetically laughing. "Yeah you did but Craigen called me earlier and they got him so it's okay" I said smiling and holding his hand.

"Elliot Stabler I literally love you to pieces" I said looking at his bruised body. His left side of his face was purple but he still looked like the same Elliot Stabler. "Olivia Benson I love you way more" he said.

"Well I have some good news and I have some bad news, what would you like me to start with" the doctor asked. "The bad please" Elliot said.

"Well the bad news is you're going to be on a lot of painkillers. I am prescribing you Vicodin, Coden, and eight hundred milligram Motrin so you won't be awake much. The good news is you can go home today but you must have somebody there with you but you can also do as much physical activity as you feel you can. We will be giving you a wheelchair to go home with incase it's needed" the doctor finished.

"What time can he leave" I asked a little to eager. "He can check out at five" the doctor said putting his chart back on his bed. He swiveled on his heels and walked out of the room.

"Okay to make the time pass let's play a game. How well do you really know me" Elliot asked resting back in his bed. I sat on the end then scooted towards him crossing my legs. I stuck my fingers through the holes in his blanket and began.

"Um let's see. You don't trust anyone who wears drawstring pants, you don't sleep with a shirt on because you feel constrained, you like Chinese food on rainy days, you make me smile every day, you were carrot and a Thanksgiving day pageant as a kid-" I said as he cut me off even though it was getting hard to speak because I was laughing.

"Hey how did you know that one" he asked laughing. "When I went to talk to your mom" I said letting my hand fall on his thigh. "Alright fair enough" he said looking down.

"Well how well do you know me" I asked trying to change the mood.

"Oh where do I begin, let's see, you drink your coffee black as night, you hate being called Mrs. Benson because it makes you feel like a kindergarden teacher, you want kids, you know every word and beat to Faithfully by Journey, and red wine goes to your head faster than most girls. I could keep going" he said.

"No it's even" I said laughing. "It's only four twelve. We still have almost an hour" El said breathing out. "Wanna walk around" I asked. I felt the urge to add baby to the end of my sentence but at the last second decided against it.

"Only if you'll hold my hand and help me" Elliot said grinning and sitting up. "Of course" I said standing up and putting my arms under his armpits to help him stand up. He jolted up and grabbed on to my hips to steady himself.

"Liv I'm sorry" he said pulling his hands away and wobbling. I grabbed on to his. "El" I said pausing "it's okay" I said smiling. He grinned from ear. Gently he put his hands on my hips and I transferred mine to his neck and he kissed me.

My whole body was hot. Again it was fire and vanilla. Every kiss was like our first. I felt him press against me. Seconds, maybe even minutes passed before we stopped. "You know some where between all of our laughs, our deep talks, and our little fights, I feel in love with you" I said into his neck.

"God I can't wait till I get you home Liv" he said laughing. "Well that blew some time, why don't we walk" I said pulling over his wheel chair. He sat down painfully. "I can't believe I survived with only a broken wrist" he laughed.

"Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot" I said laughing recounting our previous conversation. "El are we still going to your mothers funeral" I asked respectively.

"Olivia Benson will you do me the honor of driving me and wheeling me up to say my speech" he asked looking up at me. "Of course El" I said rubbing his one shoulder with me hand and pushing on.

"Can we go to the children's ward" I asked. "We can go wherever you want to go" Elliot said. "Hey I have an idea" I started "how about we go into the rooms and talk to the kids" i suggested. "Whatever you want to do Liv" he said softly.

I turned into the first room we saw in the kids ward. A little girl was laying the the hospital bed. She was bald and pale. I walked over to the bed with El and she broke her gaze from the TV. "Hi I'm detective Olivia Benson and this is my partner Elliot Stabler, we were just visiting some people, you don't mind if we visit you right" I asked as she looked up at me with immaculate sky blue eyes like Elliot.

"No I don't mind. Not many people do lately. My name is Flower" she said grinning. "That's a very pretty name. It's unique" Elliot said watching her adjust her hat.

"Well my real name is Noel but my mom-mom calls me Flower because I'm frail and my beauty will only last a season" she said taking her hat off all together and putting it back, showing a scar on her head for a second.

I felt the tears well up in my eyes. In all my years of my job I am still not immune to the sadness they reveal. "Well I think it's beautiful" I said feeling my throat tighten up.

"So your detectives" Noel said sitting up and hugging her knees to her chest "like Sherlock Homes where you fight with your shirts off and solve crimes" she asked wide eyes. "I wish she'd fight with her shirt off" Elliot said smirking under his breath.

I hit him respectively hard and laughed a little. Noel cracked a smile. "No not exactly but something of that sort" I said once I controlled my giggling. "So are you guys like married or something" she said still baring her white teeth.

"No not yet" Elliot responded quickly. 'Yet'? What did he mean by that? "Well you guys look like you are. I mean your holding hands and stuff. All I'm saying is don't skip out on love, you don't know how long you'll have it" Noel said pawing at her blanket.

"You know what Liv she's right. Olivia Benson, will you marry me, and before you answer just know I want to wake up with your hair in my face, I want to share out first pot of burnt coffee, and I want you to be the mother of our children and I will get you a ring. I came to close to losing you to pass this up" he said putting emphasis on the our.

I sat their stunned unable to speak as my hand shook in his. I forced my head to nod yes as tears streamed down my face. Not even four days and I was Mrs. Elliot Stabler.

Was it to much? Could I handle it? What about my job?

**- Elliot's POV -**

**- the proposal -**

My ears were pounding. Noel was right. I could not be without Olivia again. She's my best-friend and my partner. It was time.

"You know what Liv she's right" I started feeling the breath escape me. "Olivia Benson, will you marry me, and before you answer just know I want to wake up with your hair in my face, I want to share out first pot of burnt coffee as a couple, and I want you to be the mother of our children and I will get you a ring. I came to close to losing you to pass this up" I said putting emphasis on the our.

She was mine. I just wanted to be hers. At first she sat silent and paralyzed in shock. She began to cry and shook her head yes. I leaned in to kiss her forehead. She pulled my head down and our lips collided in the perfect chaos that was us.

"Elliot Stabler I literally love you to pieces" she said into my lips. "Olivia Stabler I love you way more" I said back to hers. "See. You were meant to be, it just took a girl with Lymphoma and some accident to tell you so" Noel said looking at us enviously.

"Well thank you Flower" Olivia said intertwining her fingers in mine. "Hey Liv" I said looking up at the clock "it's four fifty we might want to get going" I said. "Okay, well it was nice to meet you Flower" she said getting up.

"Um Olivia can you do me a favor" Flower asked smiling. "Yes of course" Liv said still holding my hand. "Could you send me pictures, like of your wedding and kids and stuff, I really want to see them and I know other people who would" she asked.

"Yes Flower, any time" she said starting to turn me around. "Thank you" Flower said meekly. "You're welcome" Olivia said quietly back then pushed me out.

We wheeled briskly down the hall to check out of the hospital. "My partners warned me about the drugs in the street, but never the one with a heart beat and hazel eyes" I said. "Elliot you are my fiancé" she said still in awe.

"Hey Liv let's go pick out your ring right now" I said smiling. "Are you sure babe" she asked. I felt my heart skip a beat when she said that.

"Yes of course. Jerald's Diamonds is like ten minutes out of the way, let's go" I said laughing. "Okay" she said smirking. I heard her phone blare in her pocket.

"Hey. Well actually I'm with Elliot. Um no he kind of needs me. I guess he could call Maureen. Okay. See you in a bit" she said then hung up. "Life is what happens when your busy doing other things, jesus, Elliot Im so sorry the Cap-" she started. "No baby go to work. Your right I'll call Maureen. I love you way more" I said kissing her forehead.

"I love you to pieces" she said before running off to her car.


End file.
